By Harley Swinamer
Heartbreak can be a transformative experience, often marking a necessary conclusion, the end of toxic patterns or a healthy resolution. However, when coupled with the queer experience there are many unique challenges—especially if one has to deal with heartbreak while in the closet.
Some queer students at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) have faced the distinct challenges that come with heartbreak as a member of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community.
The experience of going through a breakup while still in the closet presents its own unique set of challenges. For someone navigating both their identity and the end of a relationship, isolation can feel especially intense.
First-year history student Mint Bardwell said being in the closet while in a relationship can impact one’s autonomy and self-perception. “Dating while in the closet is like the equivalent of being in a relationship where something is not quite met—needs-wise. Not because of a fault [but because] there’s a gap in the picture that doesn’t quite make sense, regardless if you’re aware of your sexuality or not,” said Bardwell. “And then when you do know, it’s between deciding whether you’d like to leave the situation you’re in now or continue to play this role you’ve been playing.”
“The experience gives you a different kind of empathy for the people around you, and other queer people”
The inability to be open about one’s identity can mean there’s less support as friends and family might not even know the relationship ever existed. The lack of a safe space to share feelings and seek guidance can contribute to heightening the emotional strain of a breakup. The Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ non-profit organization, found that “the way youth are treated in their homes, schools and communities, and the level of support they have in their life,” are all factors that affect an individual’s well-being.
Bardwell said, “Having to be in the closet while breaking up versus having the freedom to come out allows for a very different aspect of who you are and how you even navigate relationships.”
Some may feel torn between the heartache of losing their partner and the fear of being outed before they’re ready. On the other hand, a breakup could raise deeper questions about their identity. These added complexities can make moving on much harder when you’re still in the process of discovering who you are.
Logan Chu, a first-year psychology student, said exploring oneself isn’t always simple as a queer person. “When you’re navigating your identity as a queer person in the early stages of finding yourself, it’s difficult to separate your platonic and romantic ideologies,” said Chu. “Everybody is different, and queer people aren’t really given the same tools as everybody else to navigate that. It’s such a confusing distinction.”
Discovering one’s identity as a queer person can be deeply complicated and is often shaped by both personal and societal struggles. Social stigmas, along with historical adversities, weigh heavily on the process of coming into one’s queer identity. The current political climate in the United States—with ongoing debates over trans rights and discriminatory policies, creates a hostile climate across borders where many queer people, especially trans and non-binary individuals, feel their identities are being invalidated or criminalized.
“Everybody is different, and queer people aren’t really given the same tools as everybody else to navigate that”
According to the American Civil Liberties Union, “On his first day back in office, President Trump signed a far-reaching executive order requiring federal agencies to discriminate against transgender people by denying who they are and threatening the freedom of self-determination and self-expression for all.”
These challenges are rooted in a long history of LGBTQ+ oppression, from the criminalization of homosexuality to the AIDS epidemic and more recently, the rollback of trans healthcare access in the U.S. and the erosion of protections against discrimination. This history of adversity has left a lasting impact, making it harder for young people to feel secure in their identities.
Many young queer people struggle to feel as though they can truly step into themselves while also honouring their lived experiences. The pressure to conform to societal expectations, the fear of rejection or violence and the lack of supportive spaces can make self-discovery feel like a daunting and isolating process. In a world that often tries to erase or silence their identities, the journey to self-acceptance becomes even more challenging.
Flint Longman, a first-year undeclared arts student, shared how remaining in the closet for so long acted as his turning point, leading Longman to come out as transgender. In this process, he found himself “really fortunate” to have access to a trans support group where he and his parents had the opportunity to speak to trans youth and their parents alike.
“I knew that I needed to come out for my own happiness and sanity,” said Longman. “I think it’s really underrated to give your support system their own community to understand and appreciate queer identities. It was a big thing for me and my parents to have those conversations.”
Ariella Cueller, a communications specialist at the California LGBTQ Health & Human Services Network said, “In a society that seeks to erase our identities and invalidate our experiences, learning to love ourselves unapologetically is an act of resistance. It requires us to confront systems of oppression, to challenge the narratives of shame and inadequacy that have been imposed upon us.”
Cueller explained that accepting your queerness allows you to accept yourself as an individual. She reminded her audience that, “Everyone’s journey of self-discovery is different and I hope that it uncovers the beauty of one’s authenticity and identity with pride and courage.”
“I knew I needed to come out for my own happiness and sanity”
Bardwell said while figuring out sexuality looks differently for everyone, there’s almost always a significant imprint on your life and identity. “Coming into your queerness gives you a much better comprehension of the degrees of support that exist within the people in your life,” he said.
“I think coming out really has to teach you a lot of self-respect in order to validate your own identity. I have taught myself through coming out that this [identity] has been there, and the people that I want to be around will want to be around me. And if the person they want around is not the person I actually am, I’m not gonna bother,” said Bardwell. “The experience gives you a different kind of empathy for the people around you, and other queer people.”
A 2024 study by Ipsos highlighted the ongoing struggle that queer individuals face in coming into themselves as they grow, particularly when questioning whether their loved ones will offer the support they need. The study found that “Support among Canadians for various aspects of LGBT+ visibility, including LGBT+ characters on screen, in sports and in public displays of affection, is lower now than three years ago. Support in Canada is lower in most cases than the 26-country average.”
Despite this, community remains a crucial aspect for many queer youth. Longman said, “Community is so important. Humans are social creatures. It ties back into breakups because it’s way harder to go through something like that if you are lacking a support system,” he said. “When someone doesn’t have that, I think it’s heartbreaking.”
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