By Saif-Ullah Khan
After dealing with cheating, emotional immaturity and a list of other issues, Katerina* became mentally checked out of her second high school relationship. As a self-described “chronic relationship girl,” the now second-year professional communication student shared she became detached from the idea of what relationships were meant to be.
Despite her high school ex-boyfriend “fixing” his behaviour, Katerina felt that it was too late to save the relationship and that it didn’t serve her anymore. This inspired her to do what she believed any reasonable teenager would do nowadays—cut off her boyfriend without any explanation.
The term ‘ghosting’ is defined by Urban Dictionary as “the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date.” It is a word commonly used by young people navigating the modern world of dating, where ghosting has become a frequent phenomenon.
In her research, Leah LeFebvre, a communications professor at the University of Alabama describes the act as a unilateral one, which only one person initiates towards the other.
“Sometimes the ability to opt-out is easier than having to grapple with the consequences of the interaction,” said LeFebvre.
“It just leaves you with a lot of questions. ‘What happened? What did I do wrong? How can I better myself?’”
For Katerina, the decision to ghost her boyfriend was caused by what she claimed was her immaturity at the time. Since then, she’s shared that she has grown to navigate her relationships with more caution, even if the world around her seems to advise otherwise.
“Social media culture as a whole has diminished this responsibility we have with each other,” said Katerina. “People are so comfortable being terrible online and saying all sorts of stuff they wouldn’t face to face. That diminished responsibility carries into why ghosting becomes so normalized.”
Through her research on communication, dating and breakups, LeFebvre has linked ghosting to the emergence of technology and online apps, which have changed the landscape of modern dating.
“A lot of people don’t really like negative interaction and are choosing to end things,” said LeFebvre. “So, having the ability to use asynchronous communication to avoid a face-saving negative potential interaction is much easier.”
Her research on “Ghosting as a Relationship Dissolution Strategy in the Technological Age” shows how the rise of technology has increased the amount of access people have to each other, while also decreasing the involved consequences of avoiding difficult interactions. She has also linked the act of ghosting to problematic personality traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism and conflict aversion.
LeFebvre recently conducted a study that surveyed those who have ghosted someone. The result: around 60 per cent of participants regretted their decision.
“Some regret they didn’t tell the other person honestly and some regret losing that person entirely. Others feel bad about hurting someone else, knowing that’s the last thing the person will remember of them,” LeFebvre explained.
For third-year business technology management student Abdullah Atif, ghosting is a by-product of the amount of options young people have when pursuing relationships online.
“On dating apps, you swipe, swipe, swipe and you get like 80 matches,” said Atif. “As soon as one of those matches gets a little bit serious, you forget about the rest because you just have so many options.”
While having a difficult ‘break-up’ conversation can be more awkward than ghosting someone, he shared that it’s better to be upfront because there are more opportunities for closure. For Atif, ghosting is frustrating as it could possibly leave the other person with a list of unanswered questions—something he experienced recently.
After planning to see a girl he was speaking to for a short time, their first time hanging out turned out to be their last—he never got a text back.
“I don’t know what I did…I felt like I did everything right,” said Atif. “It just leaves you with a lot of questions. ‘What happened? What did I do wrong? How can I better myself?’”
He believes ghosting comes from a lack of transparency and honesty from the way people communicate with their partners.“If people spoke their truth more often and actually talked about their feelings, people would be more emotionally healthy,” said Atif.
An online poll by Research Co. in 2023 found that 55 per cent of Canadians have been ghosted before—with 23 per cent of those instances being related to dating.
Since the term has a relatively loose definition, there is also a grey area in what can be considered ghosting or not in the context of dating apps. For example, not answering one of 50 matches on Tinder might be considered ghosting to some, but not to others.
“There’s so many points in an exchange of information where it drops off that could be considered ghosting,” said LeFebvre. “Particularly with mobile dating apps, they’re sort of built to keep you as the commodity.”
Though ghosting is most commonly seen in a romance setting, for some couples it can be a recurring phenomenon. Danielle Pagulayan, a third-year business management student, found herself in a difficult scenario when her “situationship” kept coming back just months after ghosting her.
“I kind of just accepted it because that’s typical boy behaviour,” said Pagulayan. “They always come back and then you give in, or you don’t. Eventually, you have to say, ‘No, I don’t want to do this anymore.’”
LeFebvre noted a link in her research with ghosting to ‘on again, off again’ relationships, which can often be a point of frustration for the person who was ghosted and expecting to move on. She described this through the lens of a “digital memory archive” where it can be difficult to navigate a reemerging relationship after deleting everything you shared with the person.
“Rejection isn’t a positive feeling, but at least you have an understanding of what went wrong”
Pagaulayan now sees ghosting as a regular part of life and thinks students should prepare themselves to expect it when meeting people.
“We should be more aware that [ghosting is] so common,” she said. “If you meet someone at a bar or on an app, go in with the mindset that it’s not that serious and might not go anywhere.”
As students navigate the complexities of ghosting and being ghosted, LeFebvre said they should learn how to better communicate with the people they speak to. While ghosting is common behaviour, it can be beneficial to let people know what you feel.
“[Ghosting] is a normative behaviour, but if you’re still thinking about it, you probably just need to consider suggesting that you’re no longer interested, to allow closure for another person, and also closure for yourself,” said LeFebvre. “You don’t have to be honest…you’re just suggesting an end to the relationship, not necessarily [required to explain] why the relationship ended.”
After ghosting him, Katerina’s ex-boyfriend remained in the dark about why their relationship ended until years later when she found out her roommate was related to him. Katerina and her ex now laugh whenever they look back on their high school experience.
As she moves into future relationships, Katerina shared she intends to do her best to communicate when she knows things won’t work out.
“Getting ghosted is definitely harder…you have no closure. If you already have foundational issues with abandonment or an anxious attachment style…for someone to pull the rug out from under you like that, you’re blind-sided,” said Katerina. “Rejection isn’t a positive feeling, but at least you have an understanding of what went wrong.”
*This source’s name has been changed for anonymity.
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