By Haley Sengsavanh
There are currently over eight billion people in the world. Given those odds, it’s entirely possible that you may be interested in—or even in a relationship with—someone you are sexually incompatible with. But what does a path forward even look like? How do you foster healthy communication or set strong boundaries in the bedroom?
Sex and Self is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing inclusive and comprehensive sexual education, with branches operating out of McGill University and Concordia University. Their founder, Felicia Gisondi, provided her insight.
Q: I want to introduce a new kink in the bedroom. How do I communicate these desires without my partner feeling pressured to go along with it?
A: We have to realize that sex is an intimate and personal discussion that you have with your partner or partners but it’s no different than having a challenging conversation of [other] sensitive nature.
If you’re looking to bring something new to the bedroom, doing as much research as possible on what you’re looking for is the first step. What kind of toy do you want to use? What is that going to look like? If your partner isn’t willing to explore that kink, is that the end of the relationship or is that something you’re willing to compromise on? Figure that out before you have that conversation, because you don’t want to pressure anyone to do anything they don’t want to, but you also don’t want to compromise your own desires.
Where a lot of people get lost in the conversations around sex is that they’re having these conversations either right before having sex or right after, which is not the time to. You need to be having these conversations in a non-sexual setting. Removing any sort of pressure or vulnerability from an already challenging discussion is really critical.
Q: My partner wants to bring someone else into our sex life but I don’t feel comfortable with it. How do I set that boundary?
A: You say no, and that’s it. It’s a little bit of a sad reality. If you have a partner who doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s no relationship to be in. I think [most] professionals will say that if they don’t respect that, there’s no convincing them otherwise. You don’t need to explain yourself.
Q: I don’t really know how to reach orgasm with my partner and I don’t know how to explain it to them either. Any tips on how I figure this out?
A: I definitely would say it’s trial and error. We’re the experts of our own bodies. I’m a huge advocate for masturbation and self-pleasuring and doing that independently by whatever means you find necessary. Then, articulate exactly what you need and want from your partner because there’s no way that they’re going to be able to guess.
Everyone’s got their own ways in which orgasm is achieved, especially vulva owners. There are no two vulvas that look exactly the same. Obviously, because sex is sensitive, we do often recommend [a lot of] positive reinforcement. Any positive feedback is important because then they’ll know exactly what works and what doesn’t.
Q: I’m going to lose my virginity to my partner who has had other sexual experiences already. How can I feel more secure in our relationship?
A: Just because someone has a lot of sex doesn’t mean they’re good at it. I also think there’s a lot of shame, especially for women, around having sex for the first time and not being experienced. When we think about virginity and the construct of it, for men, it’s a notch on their belt, and for women, it’s a loss. I don’t really even like using the word virginity anymore because it’s so religious and there’s so many weird connotations to it.
You’re doing something for the first time, so you’re going to feel anxiety or fear, and that’s totally normal. We think it’s going to be this big momentous thing, but it’s just something new that we unfortunately put a lot of taboo and shame on. Everyone’s body is different, so you can’t expect your partner to have sex with you the same way they had sex with 50 people before. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.
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