By Rosemary Gill

Disclaimer: While academic probation isn’t actually the hottest trend this semester, somehow tons of students seems to be participating in it.

Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students are back in the swing of things and are beginning to find out that spending the entire first semester pounding back Twisted Teas and huffing from the Geek Bar may just catch up to them academically. The name of the game is academic probation, offering what no extracurricular can: mandatory weekly visits with a Student Success Officer.

For current students however, the threat of academic probation may not be seen as a bad thing but rather as this semester’s newest and hottest trend. 

“It’s kinda like anybody who’s anybody at TMU is on acprob, which is what we’re calling it now,” said a third-year history student. “And if you’re not on acprob then you’re some kind of book nerd that reads books and understands long sentences.” 

For those lucky enough to have a GPA in what’s known as the “acprob sweet spot”, below 1.67 but above zero, admission to the top trend is automatic with no application slowing you down. 

In terms of details, acprob has three levels of probation: AP1, AP2 and AP3.

AP1 demands only one monthly appointment, which is less bang for your student buck and allows you ample time to attend your lectures—boring! AP2 gets you more meetings, less class time and an even better social status. AP3 gets you daily meetings, no class time, any romantic partner you desire and all the beer in the Northern Hemisphere. 

“I’m a part of AP3 now and I can’t stop getting laid,” said one fifth-year mechanical engineering student. “I may never graduate or get a job but I can butt chug a party keg faster than any 4.0 GPA-having sucker out there.”

While the potential for a probationary student to be expelled for failing to improve is high, there is the much worse fate of a rising GPA that would curtail a student’s probation enjoyment by throwing them back into the regular life of a responsible academic not living the #acproblife. 

For the trendsetters who work hard enough to keep themselves in the cross-hairs of the academic powers that be, the prize is something far beyond “being cool.” 

“The best part about living the acprob lifestyle is the freedom. After I eventually drop out of school in academic disgrace, not only will I not be able to get any job I want, I also won’t be able to afford basic living necessities, it’s friggin’ sweet,” said a fourth-year medicine student. 

A representative from the resident’s office has confirmed that they are currently dealing with an unprecedented influx of requests from students asking to be put
on probation.

“Some students with high GPAs and actual care for their schoolwork are now aware of this new trend and are frantically asking that we drop their A’s to F’s faster than they drop their core electives,” said the representative. 

When asked how he feels about the newest trend, President & Vice-Chancellor Mohamed Lachemi noted, “all my students are idiots so frankly, I couldn’t give less of a fuck what they get up to.”